


Save My Life

by spnfamily_alwayskeepfighting



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 05:13:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14205828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spnfamily_alwayskeepfighting/pseuds/spnfamily_alwayskeepfighting





	Save My Life

It was just after a hunt when you felt it again. That unexplainable urge to cry. The pain in your chest all too real for something that was all in your head.

You had just arrived back at the bunker with Sam and Dean. You bid them good night and head to your room, tossing your duffle bag on the floor. You change out of your clothes and into one of the shirts you had stolen from Dean then crawl into bed, burying yourself under the blankets. You pull the small blanket you’ve had ever since you were a baby close to your face.

That’s how these times were. Never changing clothes unless you absolutely needed to. Not showering as often as you probably should. Never getting out of bed unless Sam or Dean noticed. The only thing you would do is lay in bed, surrounded by comfy blankets and cuddle the small blanket you’ve had since you were a baby by your face.

When the pain became too much, a few tears fell down your checks but that was all. You were typically a stoic person, but every once in a while that wall holding back all negative emotion would crack or crumble. Sometimes you’d be a sobbing mess or others only a few tears would fall. Right now, your wall cracked, leaving you with only a few tears on your cheeks.

You reach for your bedside table and pull open the drawer, taking out a red pen. Drawing on your skin is your a coping method. But tonight, that isn’t enough. The bad thoughts keep flooding your mind.

You get out of bed and make your way to the door, opening it quietly so Sam and Dean won’t hear. You check to make sure they’re occupied with something else before you reach into your duffle bag and pull out your knife. You walk into the bathroom that connects to your room, forgetting you left the bedroom door open.

You sit on the toilet and stare at the knife in your hand. You lightly touch the blade to your wrist, pressing and dragging the blade along your skin.

_Not good enough._

Another cut along your wrist. Blood dripping onto your jeans and the floor from both cuts.

_Not pretty enough_

You slit your wrist several more times, letting the new pain distract you from the old. With each new cut comes new thoughts.

_Not smart enough_

You don’t notice you’re crying until a tear falls off your face. It only takes a few seconds before you’re sobbing. Your cries are loud but you don’t care. All you feel is a pain in your chest that won’t go away. Following, are the thoughts that are pushing you to end your life. _Worthless. Fat. Useless. Slut. Bitch. Coward. Disappointment. Hateful. Invisible. Insignificant. Pathetic._ You want nothing more than to end it all, to make the pain stop once and for all.

You’ve moved onto carving at your other wrist when the bathroom door swings open. You don’t look up, you just continue slitting your wrist with the knife until it’s taken out of your hands.

You glance up, with tear-filled eyes, to see Dean standing in front of you holding the knife that had been in your hand moments ago. You don’t say anything, the words are stuck in your throat. _I’m sorry. I just want it to end._ You can see how hurt Dean is but he says nothing. Instead, he pulls up into a standing position then picks you up, carrying you back to your room. He lays you down gently on the bed then sits down next to you

Sam walks in with a first aid kit and lays it on the bed, opening it. He takes one of your arms and Dean takes the other. Quietly, without saying a word, they clean your self-inflicted wounds and bandage them.

“Why?” Dean calmly asks, laying down beside you and pulling you in for a tight hug. You could hear the pain in his voice, which causes you to bury your head in his neck, hugging him while sobbing. You feel Sam move closer to you and feel him start to play with your hair, knowing it will relax you.

“Because I want the pain to stop. I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing, Dean. The thoughts won’t stop. I wish it would all just end...”

“No. You don’t get to talk like that. Sammy and I need you. You’re family, and we sure as hell don’t give up on family,” Dean held you tighter, caressing your back.

“He’s right, Y/N. We love you and we will always be here for you.” Sam says while running his hands through your hair, seeing that it’s doing the trick.

“I love you guys too. I just…” You sniffle,“I’m sick of feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone or this job. I hate the feeling that I’m just a big disappointment. I hate looking into a mirror and hating what I see…” You maneuver yourself to rest your head on Dean’s chest so you could look at Sam. Tears threaten to fall down your cheeks as you speak.

“You’re beautiful, Y/N/N. And you’re not a disappointment to us. You’re amazing in every single way and, hell, you’re the best damn hunter we know. You’ve saved our asses more times than we’d like to admit.” Sam smiles and lays down next to you and Dean. His smile warms your heart, easing the pain. You look up at Dean to see him smiling at you. You return the smile, releasing a content sigh of relief that the brothers notice.

“Thank you, guys,” you whisper.

“You’re welcome, now get some sleep, sweetheart,” Dean says and kisses your temple. Sam moves closer and does the same. You close your eyes, sighing. Your inner demons were finally silent as you drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

 


End file.
